Why friendship is good for the skin

On light feeders, heavy feeders and the question of balance

Few feelings give us as much happiness and inner calm as knowing that we have good friends. In surveys, 85 per cent of people name friendship as the most important thing in their lives. It steadies us, gives us strength and reinforces our sense of self-worth. Francis Bacon put it, in essence, like this four hundred years ago: friendship doubles our joys and halves our sorrows.

What happens in the body

Spending time with friends relaxes the body, softens the features and settles the emotions. You sleep better. You look better. The reason lies in what we now call homeostasis: the dynamic equilibrium of the organism. As early as the nineteenth century, the physiologist Claude Bernard described the idea of a stable internal environment as an essential principle of life. Friendships support this equilibrium. When all the organs mesh like cogs, an inner calm sets in and the autonomic nervous system finds a more balanced rhythm. And the skin reflects precisely that. It is an extraordinarily honest organ.

Why friends of all ages

Every good friendship has its value. But anyone fortunate enough to have a mixed circle of friends across the generations gains twice over. The carefree spirit of younger friends enlivens and rejuvenates the way we think. The life experience of older friends sharpens our perspective. With older friends in particular, an open exchange lets us learn from what went well for them as well as from their mistakes. Groucho Marx put it neatly: we must learn from the mistakes of others, because we do not live long enough to make them all ourselves.

What longevity research shows

Research into the so-called Blue Zones – those regions of the world with unusually high numbers of centenarians – shows just how closely friendship and physical health are connected. Longevity there is also a question of the social environment. On Okinawa, for example, people form what are known as moais: small groups of friends who support one another for life. The Framingham studies have shown that behaviours and health patterns spread through social networks, for better and for worse. People who surround themselves with health-conscious friends are more likely to live healthily themselves. Who we choose to surround ourselves with is therefore not merely a matter of taste. It has concrete consequences for our physical and mental health.

Light feeders and heavy feeders

Which brings me to a qualification that will surprise no one: not every friendship is equally good for body and mind. To borrow a term from botany, good friends are light feeders. These are the plants that need little, that grow in poor soil and thrive there all the same – rye, for example, or heather. They give more than they take. Heavy feeders do the opposite. They take more than they give and draw the energy out of those around them. After a conversation with a heavy feeder, you feel tired and depleted, restless and unsettled at the same time. After talking to a light feeder, you feel confident, sometimes almost recharged, with fresh energy and your thoughts in better order than before. We all know the difference. And we should take it seriously.

My conclusion

What is remarkable about genuine friendships is that they follow no rule and serve no purpose in the narrower sense. Their only return is emotional – and in a thoroughly rationalised world, that is rare. It is also, in the best sense, invigorating for mind and body alike. More on this in the seventh maxim of my book How to Look Better: Have Friends of All Ages.